Moss, is humor writer from Tennessee. She writes a
weekly human interest column about daily life and the funny
things that happen to everyone.
She has written for the Daily News of Kingsport, Griffin Journal,
Oakridge Now, Atlanta Woman Magazine, Aberdeen Examiner, Angleton
Advocate, and Smyrna AM, a supplement of the Murfreesboro Daily News
Journal. She has been
published by Voyageur Press, McGraw Hill, and the good folks
at Guidepost Books. Her articles have appeared in
numerous anthologies and other publications, both in print and online.
She is a
former board member and past Editor of the Columnists.com, website of the National Society of Newspaper
oldest and largest professional organization
for columnists. She is the Web Editor of
Humorists.com and a founder of the Southern Humorists writers'
organization. She is writer, editor, and webmaster of HumorColumnist.com.
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Online Since 1999
||Sweet Home Alabamar....
Sweet Home Alabamar
I was busy reading my email, ignoring the TV, as usual, when a story
came on the 6 o'clock news that caused me to drop my computer mouse on
the floor. It seems that they are putting up Alabama road signs in
Massachusetts these days.
I couldn't believe it either, but apparently they hired a contractor
to put up highway signs with shape of the state on them, as well as
the highway number. He used the wrong shape. Since Yankees have always
been so fond
of making fun of our good ol' boys from the South, I figured that it
is our turn now.
Even a redneck wouldn't mistake Alabama for Massachusetts. Believe me,
they are nothing alike – except to a Yankee that is smart enough to
work on their roads, but not smart enough to study geography.
Okay, maybe I'm being a little hard on them. The contractor tried to
pass the buck, saying that he hired another company to make the signs.
But he did put them up without noticing that they had used the wrong
Not only was the sign wrong, but no one else noticed the mistake until
much later. Maybe we could send some Alabama road maps to Boston so
they will know what Alabama looks like? And we Southerners are
supposed to the slow ones?
Maybe they wanted folks to think they were in Alabama instead of
Massachusetts, as an article from the Associated Press seemed to
suggest. Maybe those northerners took a good, long look and decided
the South with its mild winters was such a fine place to live that
they just couldn't measure up.
Maybe they are just so envious of all the redneck jokes that they
decided to try and get in on the act. Do you supposed they realized
that accent of a New Englander, with its hard "r", is much
more humorous than the soft, velvet tones of southern voices?
Really the two states have very little in common at all when you think
about it. Those northern folks would need to import some hot weather,
have a fish fry, and learn to two-step to even slightly resemble our
I think they are envious of the South and the truth has finally come
out. They are so jealous that they want to be the Alabama of the
North, eating pinto beans instead of those baked ones, and topping it
off with some southern coconut cream pie, much better that that stuff
Well, let it not be said that the South is not generous and
understanding to our deprived neighbors north of "the line."
If they want to pretend to be like us, let 'em. That's a whole bunch
better than having them move down here. Let's just let them stay up
there and pretend they are "down home" in God's county.
We know it must be tough to be from the North and that not everyone
could be born Southern, so we won't hold it against them, like they
have us. If they want to drink sweet tea at their next tea party,
drive pickup trucks instead of running marathons, or even borrow Jeff
Foxworthy for a day or two, we will understand.
We might even send them a care package of Kudzu seeds to help them get
started out in the right direction. Or we could send a mason jar of
those cute little critters known as fire ants. A few chiggers would be
a nice gesture, just to show them our true generosity and affection.
There's only one thing that we would like to ask in return. Please
bring that Alabama road sign down here and plant it in some good red
dirt where it belongs.
Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Nashville, TN 37219
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